Take me away

 I am so greatful  for my children. I know it sounds trite. If it wasn't for them, I know my purpose on this earth would be done. In fact, there are days I don't know how I can possibly manage another minute. Of course then I'm reminded how blessed I really I am.

In the past I have prayed for my time to come to an end, as selfish as it sounds. To be real honest it has been on more than one occasion. 

I remember one day when I had my baby of only a few months. I couldn't see the light of day even on the sunniest day. I was in the grips of depression, only then I didn't know what it was. 

 I prayed and prayed for god to take me. I could not bear the loneliness of a strange town, a new baby and a monster of a husband.

One sunny spring day, I bundled my son up in his little carrier and we went to the pier. The sun was bright. I pushed his buggy down the pier and sat facing away from the water. The sun was shining on us for what felt like hours. I think we needed that. It must of warmed our souls.  He was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. That day, I knew. 

The sun no longer shines for me.

To this day remember that sunny day on the pier when darkness falls on my heart. 

not blu today

Have you ever noticed how easy it can be to be happy? I mean it feel so good to smile and laugh and interact with happy people. I love my happy days when I can lay in bed at the end of the day and think of the good things that happened. My daughters laughter echoes in my ears, my sons' smiles etched in my mind. There is just something magical to happy moments. If happiness had a scent to it it would smell like rain, or cotton candy, maybe an alcohol wipe, I'm not sure. For a few years now I've needed medication to get me out of the darkness of depression, now I'm seeing some rays of light, maybe it is only the antidepressants. I wont lie to myself, there are days maybe hours that the clouds gloom and threaten to come down again but for the most part they leave fairly quick. I'm hoping to find a support group in my town for depression, I don't ever, ever want to feel that blue again.

I feel so much better, The smiles that were just a year ago feigned are becoming real. I can set goals again.

I live for happiness even if its transient at this point I'll take it.