I want it all

I want this kind of love. I don't want to resist.
I'm too picky. One moment I want to be single, the next married with children
Same goes with career I want to be boss, then I want to be a common worker.
Am I gay, straight or Bi? I may just want it all!?!
If I get greedy I my wind up with nothin.

What do I do? 

It doesn't feel right

My lovely friend just became a newly wed. Hurray! Congrats! So happy for you!
She confides in me and tells me stuff that close friends tell each other...we're both nurses...
so we often tell each other WAY too much information...the color of our poop for instance.
Since she just got married I often get an earful about her man.
Apparently he eats more than his share of the food supply. It's a big issue in their life.
She has an issue with this and believes he has an eating disorder. I don't know.
One thing I know for sure, I have my own food issues.


Cycles if you will.
Not only do my moods cycle my attitude about food do too. Oh man.
At times it's sugar. Others times carbohydrates are a sin.Right now the devil is pork and dairy.
It has nothing to do with taste, texture, smell. Nope. I love me some sausage, bring on the ribs,
cheese stakes, chocolate shakes! Make it a double!

It has to do with the SOURCE.
I know it comes from a living animal and I am eating its dead muscle.Then it is going to be sitting in
my gut for about three days!
Then milk. Am I made to drink from the tit of a cow? Would I if it didn't come in this gallon?
No of course not. It has hormones and antibiotics. I have over thought this issue.
For now. I am giving it up not for diet. Not for weight loss. Just because it doesn't feel right.
Maybe I will have it again someday. Not right now.
I judge no one who choses to eat anything else.
This is what I have to do for myself.
It will cycle.

I need some vodka

You Don't Understand!

My wonderful twelve year old son was trying to train our two rambunctious labs earlier in the week. It was entertaining to be a silent observer in his quest to educate these cuties at the same time to "down".  He has seen me train them one at a time, indoors, after being fed. However this is his time with them and I am only here to support his efforts and not to criticize. :) The dogs have very different temperaments and both are attention hogs! My son worked with them about five minutes and started getting frustrated. I suggested he stop training and resume after feeding them. My intelligent child blurted, "....You Don't Understand...." huh?

This reminded me of all the times my nuthouse patients have told me I don't understand.


Let me explain something about people who go into the psych field. This includes psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, nurses, psychologists. We go into it because we have experienced it. Personally or with family, we have been there. As in up close and personal. We have seen dysfunction. We have seen drug abuse. We want to study it to heal ourselves first. There are exceptions, few and far between.
Many of us are broken. Maybe most of us are. I may have a badge and a chart but it does not mean I have all the answers. It means at this moment I am functioning at a level where I can help you get out of your funk.

Patients teach me every day. How good I have it. How much better I truly have gotten. How stable I am. I am grateful not to be afflicted with a terminal illness. I am only bipolar. I am a stable bipolar person.

I understand how dark the darkness gets and my heart aches when I see the depressed patient lays in their room and doesn’t even open their curtains to let the sunshine in. I have been there, got the T-shirt to prove it.

Yes, I understand. I won't tell you my story if I'm your nurse someday. Feel confident that when I, any of us are caring for you, you are in good hands.

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy"

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy" ~ Nora Ephron

Interesting quote. With this idea in mind,
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse to death.
Talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it.
It remains a constant. It has become a taboo. My family
doesn't talk to me about IT for fear IT might come back.
I need to openly discuss my affliction. I can't get the words
out. The sentences do not form. My brain shuts down.

             s l u g g i sh

from my constant fear of rejection to being ashamed to alienate
yet someone else.I know I will somehow over come it.
Two years of therapy and I still can't get the words out.
All stuck in my throat.
            (((insane)))
is what I'll become if I don't let them free and out of me.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

I was going to end today's thought here but after having coffee another thought entered my well caffeinated brain:
I am not miserable. You know, I have been stable for a while. Yes, I still THINK of performing delicate, fine lines of cuts on my skin. BUT I do not. I sit and meditate, granted it's on the bathroom floor sometimes, until the crazy thoughts pass but I don't leave reality. I no longer fantasize about leaving this world.

I am even going to venture to say that EVEN with this diagnosis of Bipolar Type Crazy, I am more sane now than some of the undiagnosed, addicted, truly insane, "professional", delusional nurses I have met in my many years of nursing. The path has been long. Medications have been tried, tossed, injected and rejected. However I have to say that stability is good.

With this I dust myself off and carry on with my thoughts of insanity and profess that today I am a little less insane than I was yesterday.

Starting from scratch

I'm standing outside having my coffee. This is becoming my daily routine. As I feel the fresh morning breeze on my face I wonder how I let it get to this point. I often wonder this. They say men think about sex every sixty seconds. Well I think about it, meaning my life, just as much. There was a plan, a schedule, a time line. Then my plan shattered and everything went so wrong. A few months ago, I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, myself ready for work, packing my lunch, stopping at the coffee shop, don't forget the laptop because homework needs to be turned in by five! I looked forward to talking to the boss, showing her how well I was doing, I wanted the director's position.

I'm suddenly paralyzed when I remember: Summer of 2006. July 19 to be exact. My life changed forever.

Currently, I am almost unemployed. Technically I have a job, I mean I work for a staffing firm that places nurses at facilities where they are needed. However I have this issue see, I declared my craziness "illness" after my diagnosis was made and after I was already a licenced nurse. Now I have to pay the consequence for a period of time. The punishment consequence is that anyone in the field will know I am crazy nuts bipolar.

 No one wants to hire crazy. It's a liability to have crazy taking care of people. Crazy shouldn't pass meds. Crazy cannot be stable. Regardless of how stable Crazy is. I see myself becoming bitter about this.

This Crazy has been stable enough to pass for strange or maybe even weird.

Regardless of how unstable I am, I have always known this; I have never and will never cause harm to another person or animal, ever. Crazy or sane. Ever.

A facility took a chance on hiring me for a shift not so long ago. Wouldn't you know it. The receptionist was the receptionist at the nut house where I was two years ago and she remembered me. It wasn't long before the rest of the staff knew about my stay at the funny farm.

What are my options? Move to another town maybe no one will recognize me? I still have to take my stained license with me. Drop my Nurse title and become something else...maybe a...a...ummm I have no idea!

According to my plan, I should be done with grad school by now opening up a practice. Instead I'm starting from scratch. It is REFRESHING. How many people get a do over?