So I wanna say FAK it!

Ok so Fak the diet and keep the work out!?!

How do those delicious buttery potatoes suit you?  They suit me fine, mmmm! I can deal with the work out, I just need the carbs, lots of them appearently.

I feel better when I work out. It doesn't matter if it's this crazy SWAT work out, my lazy day aqua-robics, my fun zumba...I just feel good...ummm along with mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and uppers I feel better that is :)

So fak the diet part for now I'm a fatty chick that aspires to be a woman who is mistaken for someone with an eating disorder...I'm kinda not joking about this and yes I know it's twisted thinking...yes I still know I'm COO coo not breaking the news to me...

Having a loving life moment, hoping it's not a spur of the mania moment...

kELLY bENSIMON gOES bANaNAs

Last night on The Real Housewives of new York City Kelly showed a side of herself that was a little odd. This is her second  season and she's been teased light hearted for being in "Kelly's world". I kinda took it as things not phasing her maybe she was above it and didn't want to get involved. Although she's never been my favorite housewives (she's not even a wife btw)  I could identify with her aloofness and some of of her quirks.

However, last night Kelly went from quirky to lost my marbles at recess, and in all honesty it wasn't pleasant to watch...not even on T.V. It was uncomfortable! Obviously, I don't know her personally but in some weird way I kinda relate to her. I don't know if what happened on that show was medically induced but her behavior was either very good acting ( I so much doubt!) or some sort of manic delusion of bipolar disorder. That I can relate to all to well. Seeing her skip away into the hallway gave me the creeps and felt truly sorry for the women who were trying to understand what was happening to their dinner guest. OMG I have so much to atone for as I put my family though hell for many years. Seeing a stranger on TV! was so uncomfortable can't imagine seeing a loved one go bananas up close and personal.
Can't wait to see what happens next. I hope she seeks the help she needs.

not blu today

Have you ever noticed how easy it can be to be happy? I mean it feel so good to smile and laugh and interact with happy people. I love my happy days when I can lay in bed at the end of the day and think of the good things that happened. My daughters laughter echoes in my ears, my sons' smiles etched in my mind. There is just something magical to happy moments. If happiness had a scent to it it would smell like rain, or cotton candy, maybe an alcohol wipe, I'm not sure. For a few years now I've needed medication to get me out of the darkness of depression, now I'm seeing some rays of light, maybe it is only the antidepressants. I wont lie to myself, there are days maybe hours that the clouds gloom and threaten to come down again but for the most part they leave fairly quick. I'm hoping to find a support group in my town for depression, I don't ever, ever want to feel that blue again.

I feel so much better, The smiles that were just a year ago feigned are becoming real. I can set goals again.

I live for happiness even if its transient at this point I'll take it.