I want it all

I want this kind of love. I don't want to resist.
I'm too picky. One moment I want to be single, the next married with children
Same goes with career I want to be boss, then I want to be a common worker.
Am I gay, straight or Bi? I may just want it all!?!
If I get greedy I my wind up with nothin.

What do I do? 

It doesn't feel right

My lovely friend just became a newly wed. Hurray! Congrats! So happy for you!
She confides in me and tells me stuff that close friends tell each other...we're both nurses...
so we often tell each other WAY too much information...the color of our poop for instance.
Since she just got married I often get an earful about her man.
Apparently he eats more than his share of the food supply. It's a big issue in their life.
She has an issue with this and believes he has an eating disorder. I don't know.
One thing I know for sure, I have my own food issues.


Cycles if you will.
Not only do my moods cycle my attitude about food do too. Oh man.
At times it's sugar. Others times carbohydrates are a sin.Right now the devil is pork and dairy.
It has nothing to do with taste, texture, smell. Nope. I love me some sausage, bring on the ribs,
cheese stakes, chocolate shakes! Make it a double!

It has to do with the SOURCE.
I know it comes from a living animal and I am eating its dead muscle.Then it is going to be sitting in
my gut for about three days!
Then milk. Am I made to drink from the tit of a cow? Would I if it didn't come in this gallon?
No of course not. It has hormones and antibiotics. I have over thought this issue.
For now. I am giving it up not for diet. Not for weight loss. Just because it doesn't feel right.
Maybe I will have it again someday. Not right now.
I judge no one who choses to eat anything else.
This is what I have to do for myself.
It will cycle.

I need some vodka

You Don't Understand!

My wonderful twelve year old son was trying to train our two rambunctious labs earlier in the week. It was entertaining to be a silent observer in his quest to educate these cuties at the same time to "down".  He has seen me train them one at a time, indoors, after being fed. However this is his time with them and I am only here to support his efforts and not to criticize. :) The dogs have very different temperaments and both are attention hogs! My son worked with them about five minutes and started getting frustrated. I suggested he stop training and resume after feeding them. My intelligent child blurted, "....You Don't Understand...." huh?

This reminded me of all the times my nuthouse patients have told me I don't understand.


Let me explain something about people who go into the psych field. This includes psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, nurses, psychologists. We go into it because we have experienced it. Personally or with family, we have been there. As in up close and personal. We have seen dysfunction. We have seen drug abuse. We want to study it to heal ourselves first. There are exceptions, few and far between.
Many of us are broken. Maybe most of us are. I may have a badge and a chart but it does not mean I have all the answers. It means at this moment I am functioning at a level where I can help you get out of your funk.

Patients teach me every day. How good I have it. How much better I truly have gotten. How stable I am. I am grateful not to be afflicted with a terminal illness. I am only bipolar. I am a stable bipolar person.

I understand how dark the darkness gets and my heart aches when I see the depressed patient lays in their room and doesn’t even open their curtains to let the sunshine in. I have been there, got the T-shirt to prove it.

Yes, I understand. I won't tell you my story if I'm your nurse someday. Feel confident that when I, any of us are caring for you, you are in good hands.

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy"

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy" ~ Nora Ephron

Interesting quote. With this idea in mind,
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse to death.
Talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it.
It remains a constant. It has become a taboo. My family
doesn't talk to me about IT for fear IT might come back.
I need to openly discuss my affliction. I can't get the words
out. The sentences do not form. My brain shuts down.

             s l u g g i sh

from my constant fear of rejection to being ashamed to alienate
yet someone else.I know I will somehow over come it.
Two years of therapy and I still can't get the words out.
All stuck in my throat.
            (((insane)))
is what I'll become if I don't let them free and out of me.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

I was going to end today's thought here but after having coffee another thought entered my well caffeinated brain:
I am not miserable. You know, I have been stable for a while. Yes, I still THINK of performing delicate, fine lines of cuts on my skin. BUT I do not. I sit and meditate, granted it's on the bathroom floor sometimes, until the crazy thoughts pass but I don't leave reality. I no longer fantasize about leaving this world.

I am even going to venture to say that EVEN with this diagnosis of Bipolar Type Crazy, I am more sane now than some of the undiagnosed, addicted, truly insane, "professional", delusional nurses I have met in my many years of nursing. The path has been long. Medications have been tried, tossed, injected and rejected. However I have to say that stability is good.

With this I dust myself off and carry on with my thoughts of insanity and profess that today I am a little less insane than I was yesterday.

Starting from scratch

I'm standing outside having my coffee. This is becoming my daily routine. As I feel the fresh morning breeze on my face I wonder how I let it get to this point. I often wonder this. They say men think about sex every sixty seconds. Well I think about it, meaning my life, just as much. There was a plan, a schedule, a time line. Then my plan shattered and everything went so wrong. A few months ago, I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, myself ready for work, packing my lunch, stopping at the coffee shop, don't forget the laptop because homework needs to be turned in by five! I looked forward to talking to the boss, showing her how well I was doing, I wanted the director's position.

I'm suddenly paralyzed when I remember: Summer of 2006. July 19 to be exact. My life changed forever.

Currently, I am almost unemployed. Technically I have a job, I mean I work for a staffing firm that places nurses at facilities where they are needed. However I have this issue see, I declared my craziness "illness" after my diagnosis was made and after I was already a licenced nurse. Now I have to pay the consequence for a period of time. The punishment consequence is that anyone in the field will know I am crazy nuts bipolar.

 No one wants to hire crazy. It's a liability to have crazy taking care of people. Crazy shouldn't pass meds. Crazy cannot be stable. Regardless of how stable Crazy is. I see myself becoming bitter about this.

This Crazy has been stable enough to pass for strange or maybe even weird.

Regardless of how unstable I am, I have always known this; I have never and will never cause harm to another person or animal, ever. Crazy or sane. Ever.

A facility took a chance on hiring me for a shift not so long ago. Wouldn't you know it. The receptionist was the receptionist at the nut house where I was two years ago and she remembered me. It wasn't long before the rest of the staff knew about my stay at the funny farm.

What are my options? Move to another town maybe no one will recognize me? I still have to take my stained license with me. Drop my Nurse title and become something else...maybe a...a...ummm I have no idea!

According to my plan, I should be done with grad school by now opening up a practice. Instead I'm starting from scratch. It is REFRESHING. How many people get a do over?

Little punching seizures

I ran out of my crazy meds on Thursday. Actually, It's just Paxil, an antidepressant. I've been on it for many, many years. My shrink has told me not to let it run out because it can cause seizures to just go cold turkey off these kind of medications. Ya ok, I know this cuz I done time as a psyc nurse, I read all the info on Paxil and wrote more than my share of papers on SSRI's when I was going to grad school.

Do you think this Bipolar Nurse  listens? Well ya. Most of the time.

The shrink tells me that Paxil is one of the toughes SSRI's to come off of and I need to be weaned if "we" want to try something else. No, I don't want to come off of it. It has been the only one that has kinda sort of kept me out of the grips of depression, along with mood stabilizers to stabilize my stable instability.

There was a day not too long ago I was taking serious meds we give our seriously mentally ill patients. Medications (all at one time, as in scheduled) like Geodon, Seroquel, Klonopin, Lithium, Depakote trazadone and other scary sounding meds.
Anyway, when I have stopped taking Paxil in the past for more that a couple of days I get little shocks. I can't describe them. It's almost like my vision jumps to one side, my body punches me back a couple of seconds, all while sitting completely still. I don't lose consciousness and I realize it's happening and what's going on around me. I'm calling them my punching seizures. i really don't know if they really are the start of a seizure because I've never had one. I do notice they come easier and faster each time I don't refill my meds. Oh and the nausea, the only nausea that's acceptable is one that comes on after too much drinking.

My meds as of yesterday are on auto refill. I give in.

Oh and also, it's a lie. Having mental illness is nothing like having high blood pressure or diabetes. Yes, you take medication for the rest of your life. There has to be lifestyle changes for these such as rest, exercise and even proper diet. That's where the comparison ends.
The difference is that when you tell someone that you are affected (should I say infested?) with mental illness the words UNSTABLE are stamped on your forehead. The stigma lives on. Within the professional community as well. Invisible obstacles are placed where there were none before.

I have tried to "learn life" after coming back from my crazy (a severly manic episode) but have found it difficult without admitting that I am/have been crazy. I still feel a little weird or maybe think everyone can "see" that I am just a little off, not right. Meds make me feel dim, stupid, for sure forgetful and tired.

This is where I'm going with this. I warn you it may get dark before it gets brighter. It's not going to be easy.

I'm Perfect

In every way, I'm perfect. Perfection is defined by me.
I cannot make mistakes. Mistakes terrify me. The world may implode
may I ever make a mistake. Of course I won't because I am Perfect. My sister
would always tell me so. Little Ms. Perfect, she would call me. I think she
was jealous, still is if you ask me.

If someone, ever points out that I could be mistaken, incomplete or short on details
I become very. very upset. Poised. But upset. My head silently blows into a million pieces.
My heart pounds out of every artery. I smile. I ask "really? " I blink quickly to pull back my tears
of anger. My thoughts of my shattered mind race. How is this possible, how could I have let this slip, why didn't I prepare. I feel the need to scream, go into a violent rage, instead I stand there staring blankly, with a stupid grin. Then I shut down.

Taking the the perceived criticism. I should have done it better. I failed. My perfection is flawed.
My frosting is cracked. My botox needs renewing. My polish is chipped. I have a cavity.

Relationships suck!

Either Relationships SUCK or I suck at relationships. Either way, I'm finding them very obnoxious.
Truth be told, even over rated.

Example, we've all heard over half of marriages end in divorce. Well with those odds crap, pick a stranger and flip a coin. Heads it stands the test of time, infidelity, children and sagging boobs, not in that order necessarily but you get my point. Tails it's see you later but I get the house and the Mercedes - you get the bills and the ailing cat.
Oh!  Not to mention this method bypasses all the melodrama of dating. The what am I going to wear to meet your mother? What do you mean I'm not worthy of your folks? They live in a single wide on the outskirts of town! To the why didn't he call and why is he calling so much..and of course..when do I break it to him that I'm crazy and teetering on alcoholism to boot. If I'm lucky he will break the news first that's he's some horrible addicted gambler and is also addicted to online porn and I'll dump him tragically which will spin me into a deep depression for a week till I go into my next mania and go through a string of wild flings. Yes, this is love in my world. This type of relationship SUCKS eggs.

Friendship: Also, pretty sucky. I suck anyway. Other people seem to enjoy friends and frienships without issue. Not me. I complicate pretty much everything (read:Fuck up).
My longstanding friendship with my best friend I "complicated" by sleeping with him. Actually, that's how we met then became friends but then I slept with him then ahhh you get the point.
My girlfriends well it's complicated...all of them are.

Family: Didn't pick em. Not sure I want em. Stuck with em (?) more on them some other time

I have complicated my relationship of a few years with my best friend/boyfriend. He was used to rescuing me.He said he hasn't felt needed or wanted lately. We don't talk for hours anymore,somedays we only say a few words to each other, there isn't anymore confiding in each other anymore either, the intimacy is gone. The love runs deep, like color through a mountain. I walked in the room yesterday and wanted to hold him and love on him but the only thing that I could do was say "hey".
A few hours later we talked. We knew it was coming. Do we want this? No. Who wants this? No one wants to live in the shadow of resentment and coldness. I guess I saw it coming and knew something was missing. He begged and would always ask me to marry him when it was impossible for us to actually marry. Then it all stopped. Like a semi truck slamming on the breaks. I wondered why he didn't wanna marry me anymore. Did I gain one too many pounds? Was I suddenly too ugly? A bad cook?  poor housekeeper? The reality is that there were too many "hey's" instead of  I want you's.

Sadly, I stopped being that crazy young lady in need of rescuing and needing my knight in shinning armor he met  a decade ago. I have some how turned into this jagged insane wench that has learned to cope with the ups and downs of life despite of all the scars on her arms and in her heart.

I've blurred the line on what's worth keeping and what's worth fighting for. Keep me or throw me away, it doesn't seem to matter.

Yeah they do suck.

So I wanna say FAK it!

Ok so Fak the diet and keep the work out!?!

How do those delicious buttery potatoes suit you?  They suit me fine, mmmm! I can deal with the work out, I just need the carbs, lots of them appearently.

I feel better when I work out. It doesn't matter if it's this crazy SWAT work out, my lazy day aqua-robics, my fun zumba...I just feel good...ummm along with mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and uppers I feel better that is :)

So fak the diet part for now I'm a fatty chick that aspires to be a woman who is mistaken for someone with an eating disorder...I'm kinda not joking about this and yes I know it's twisted thinking...yes I still know I'm COO coo not breaking the news to me...

Having a loving life moment, hoping it's not a spur of the mania moment...

September 11

I am willing to bet you remember what you were doing when you first saw that plane go into the twin towers.

I remember I was watching the Today show with Matt and Katie, it was surreal. I wanted my to shield my three year old son from this but at the same time I wanted him to see what was unfolding before him, of course he couldn't grasp it. hell, I couldn't grasp it. It was chaos.

Do I go to help? Do I stay put? What just happened?

It was a somber day. Even in the southwest part of Texas. The streets were quiet. We were polite. Everyone was America United.

Nine years later we have not forgotten, the wounds fresh. Bitterness and intolerance sadly have grown.

I miss the world that was September 10, 2001 We were ignorant to the dangers of the world. We were innocent.

Day 3 Pending

So today feels like a run on sentence from yesterday only I know its not allergies

blah

Coffee, I'm sure it was because it came from the coffee pot though I couldn't taste it.

I'm going to lay in bed and moan...no not outta pleasure but in my cold stricken booger ridden

missseeery!

Toss me a tissue will ya.

Hope I lose a pound or two.

Day 2 Total Failure

I woke up with a sore throat. Took tylenol and and claritin didn't know if I was allergies or start of a cold or flu. yeah I'm a nurse. clueless most of the time.

Pour some coffee. Shit I have to weigh myself.
Scale must be broken cuz I didn't lose a damn pound. I'm still 19 pounds away from goal.
Drink my coffee.
Kids are up...hussle and bustle. Drop off munchkns at school. 
All is going well.
Make eggs and veggies yummy.

Boyfriend comes home, house is still a mess, laundry is half way done, I have failed as a domestic diva.
The words of my bff resonate in my head ((((being home is your job now))))
failed

ok.. clean up is done..half assed cuz I'm still feeling lousy..must not be allergies...my head is now feeling like it could pop... "Babe I'mma gonna go to the asian market to pick up some crap"!
Boyfriend barely acknowledges my exsistance. Where he used to swoon at my scent. Oh well no time to dwell.

Lunch:
Chicken
while fixen dinner

Pick up kids. Homework. Dogs.
Dinner
Tofu
Clear funky noodles
veggie stir fry
it was a failure.
I also had some of my kids cereal.
Lots of my kids cereal.

I didn't work out either.

Bed time and I am feeling more and more like crap.

Day 1 outta how many? oh ya 14

Motivation.
This is the word that describes the begining of the day.

Ate an egg white omelette with an extra cup of veggies. Extra large coffee.
Can't be perfect all the time.

Workout shit it was still as tough as the first time.

Dinner Chicken salad. Liter of water.

Wiped out.

It wasn't a perfect day, I didn't follow the plan to the letter. I need to.
See you tomorrow.

So remember it's not a diet blog...

I'm on a diet! Yes again (sigh)
I went out and got a new DVD that promises to show results in 14 days. It's the SWAT workout. I did it 4 days ago and I was FREAKIN sore. So, I put it away. I'm gonna get it out again. This time I'm gonna bore you everyday with my story of the workouts. Tomorrow begins day 1.

Also, I went to the library (GASP!!!!) and checked out a book (CHOKE!!!) that says I couuld lose UP TO 15 pounds in two weeks...oh really?

So, if I get this right...doing some insane workout that promises results in 14 days AND doing some DIET that also says I can do this in Two weeks...Hmmm I should see some sort of difference right?

Okay. See you with full results on election day/first day of fall AKA sep 22.

I will also see you everyday for the next 14 days with every GORY detail.

The randomness of it all

It's like a kaleidoscope! I read my blog. Very strange I must say. It's not just about weight loss about insanity or about anything in particular...It's more like "Dear Diary".

I wonder if I should focus it on something.

My children? My flowers? My endless pursuit of becoming a better cook? My career? My mental unhealth? My diet/fitness? Ooh Sex life, wait I'd never blog again...

Thank you for putting up with it and so much for commenting on the randomly random randomness.

Cha so she didn't

I'm refering to my prior post. Kelly denied the entire thing, as if America didn't see a grown woman have a breakdown, possibly a psychotic one on national TV. I guess the stigma continues. She gets to deny her issue while I get to wear it around my neck neck like flavor flav umm but of course instead of a big 'ol clock it's a big 'ol lable. ie diagnosis. But I'm not bitter Noooo !!!

 I don't know why I'm OBSESSED with the RHW shows. I pick one of the characters and pretend I'm one of them. Example, this season of NJRHW I'm Jacqueline Laurita...lol yeah prolly cuz I don't have a life I'm living through the TV life of these women. Hmmm come to think of it it's because I'm crazy. Makes total sense now.

So! If I don't have a life why haven't I been blogging? cuz I have been so busy trying to have a life...ya know
cooking, cleaning, laundry, children, trying to make the boyfriend into husband. Which by the way not going too well. So he tells me not because he doesn't want to marry me, he just can't afford to give me the bling and the party right now. waah ...if only I could be one of those Real Housewives instead of a Desperate Girlfriend!
=D

kELLY bENSIMON gOES bANaNAs

Last night on The Real Housewives of new York City Kelly showed a side of herself that was a little odd. This is her second  season and she's been teased light hearted for being in "Kelly's world". I kinda took it as things not phasing her maybe she was above it and didn't want to get involved. Although she's never been my favorite housewives (she's not even a wife btw)  I could identify with her aloofness and some of of her quirks.

However, last night Kelly went from quirky to lost my marbles at recess, and in all honesty it wasn't pleasant to watch...not even on T.V. It was uncomfortable! Obviously, I don't know her personally but in some weird way I kinda relate to her. I don't know if what happened on that show was medically induced but her behavior was either very good acting ( I so much doubt!) or some sort of manic delusion of bipolar disorder. That I can relate to all to well. Seeing her skip away into the hallway gave me the creeps and felt truly sorry for the women who were trying to understand what was happening to their dinner guest. OMG I have so much to atone for as I put my family though hell for many years. Seeing a stranger on TV! was so uncomfortable can't imagine seeing a loved one go bananas up close and personal.
Can't wait to see what happens next. I hope she seeks the help she needs.

Little tummy BIG hunger!

So now I'm semi looking decent. I'm starting to work out again ( I walked/jogged this morning in preperation for June 5th 5k).

Honestly, I am always HUNGRY! I sit here typing and am dreaming of a bag of Rese's PB cups, pie, anything unhealthy while I have a fridge full of healthy stuff.
How does one become an overeater in control or in recovery? A recovered overeater? Is there such a thing? An alcoholic stops drinking but a person cannot stop eating. It's a control thing but then that becomes a disorder like anorexia or bullimia or am I taking this to extremes? possibly.

Any who. I might be exagerating but I'm not sure. I do snack a lot though. I might need a schedule. kinda like babies, or Pavlo's dog. Ding-time to eat!
Food continues to bring people together and bring happiness to us!

Hello? Echo!

Hey everyone...hope everyone is doing great! It's been a long looong time since I posted. So let's recap. I had my tummy tuck, can you believe I have not healed? What? It's been 10 weeks or so. My belly looks fantastic, like I never had a child but it feels like I'm wearing underwear 4 sizes too tight! I had my boobs lifted and they look happy again! My bells palsy is slowly recovering I'm almost symetrical again! Woop!

My mom got baptized today, she's 73. Her religion has divided the family into three. The religious nuts, the heathens, and me. I am a religious heathen. It's a sad situation, as I left the house to go see my mom become "one of them" officially there was great sorrow in my heart. It was harder to go there than to go to my dad's funeral. Of course my dad was only a father by title only. My mom looked very happy as she walked out of the water and I was glad to see all of the family was there to support her heathens and all.

My social life has been awkward. My close friend has detoxed from pain killers and has found a job but has remained disatisfied. My other close friend is chronically ill and is gainfully employed but is chronically disatisfied. My closest friend has everything a person could want and still is disatisfied with her life. Why? Are we ever satisfied?

Some good/bad news came to me a short bit ago. I was at risk for losing what I worked for very hard. It turns out I only loose it in some places and only for a year if I follow the rules and I pay a fine. It's not an ideal situation BUT it is better than what I thought would happen. It still is a blow to my self worth since it will be public knowledge. It truly has to rain before one can appreciate the sunshine.

So anyway that is the catch up!

Guess what?!? I'm back at the gym after the surgery and am lifting and on the cardio machines! :) I'm going to try a fun walk/run 2k on June 6th for a good cause "eliminating racism".

Confidence goes by the waistline

When I was a child I remember being confident. I see that in my baby girl. Ooh she's out spoken, sassy and bright. Like her, I knew what I wanted, how I wanted and when! So what happened and when did it happen? I consider myself well educated yet I also think I'm an idiot.

A lot has happened in the past few years that has withered away my confidence but also a lot has happend that should have built it back up.

I'm fat. Does that mean what I have to say is less important? Of course not? So then what is my problem??? I feel like I take up more space than I should...yes this is my little pitty party post

blah!
It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. ~Sally Field

Farewell My sweet, sweet love

I have tried to part ways with you many times but like an addict I keep coming back to you. I have tried to leave you cold turkey, reducing the times I consume your sweetness, hell I have avoided you like the plague, avoiding social events where I knew you'd be. I've also taken you home and I've devoured you whole many-times in secret. You have wrecked havoc in my life and I keep taking you back. I'm guilty of  introducing you to my children at a young age. My love, you are my drug of choice.

Sugar, I'm talking to you.

I have tried and failed many times to diet, but it seems that my main triggers are sweets. When I put something-anything sweetened and/or processd in my mouth all bets are off. I go into full binge mode. I am addicted to sugar. It makes me happy. For a short while anyway because then I feel sad and then crave it again and again...I need the rush, the high.
There is no moderation with an alcoholic or a heroin addict. I know sugar is all around us and it would be ridiculous to say I'm cutting out completly, or is it? I'm going to give it a conscious try for a week and we'll see.

                         fresh fruit is sexy and sweet too!

Stripper in the bedroom

So I confess.

I turn the music full blast when I'm all alone and break out into some pretty slutty, sexy, make-my-mother-blush moves in the bedroom in front of the mirrow. My hips girate, my spine can snake up and down, my ass, oh my ass can wiggle and jiggle all sorts of ways...

So here is my dilema (You didn't think I would blog without a dilema did u?). WHY CAN'T I DANCE WHEN I GO TO MY ZUMBA CLASS???? Oh, FYI Zumba is an aerobic workout that mixes salsa, merenge, reggeton and cumbia, and it's a hell of a lot of fun! My spine fuses together so tight I literally feel like I have a stick up my ass. It's not due to pain, it's just self-consciousness! ARGGG I know everybody's there to do their own thing.

The Zumba moves aren't as bad as the moves I do in my bedroom, so why can't I just bust a move?

Looking around today I noticed...

You can observe a lot by just watching.
Yogi Berra


As I went around town doing my usual stuff I noticed little things that I usually don't notice. My right eye is really blurry and dried out from the inability to blink from the Bell's Palsy, this is week 4 and it's finally improving some.

Anyway, I have become more observant...a people watcher...I'm not going to say I criticize like I said a few blogs ago, because I didn't pass judgement, just watched people...

I started my day at the grocery store where I saw a man absolutely loose his temper because the tortilla machine was broken and his wife was going to yell at him for not bringing home fresh tortillas.
I then saw a young man (a store employee) nearly get burned from head to toe by lighting a huge oven with a tiny match. Lick his fingers, notice me, smile and go about his way.
A woman in her fifties(?) laughed like a school girl with her friend while picking onions.
A young mother was near tears as her husband yelled at her and woke their sleeping infant in the carrier tenderly placed on the cart.
The employees speak loud and fast in mixed languages.
There are two severely overweight women next to a thin woman in workout clothes, sunglasses, smiling and talking on the cell phone waiting by the meat counter. The women are leaning heavily on the prepackaged meats refrigerators and their butts are hanging over the ledge-just observing!

A man is receiving fellatio behind the pawn shop, I wonder what he paid.

There are a group of middle school boys crossing the street behind a girl and she seems nervous, luckily they turned left and she went straight.

A group of angry mothers arguing about who did more to organize the last PTA this that or the other, smile crookedly and rush to get my son.

Life can be hectic...even at a distance. Whew what a day!


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I'm so intresting I follow Myself!

How did I mange to do that? Seriously? I am following my own blog? Now that is UNCOOL! how do remove me from me???? He he. I'll figure it out, just kinda thought it was funny. Maybe I'll just leave it, in case I can't figure out how to remove myself from the follow list, then it will look like I left myself on purpose?

Wait what if there is another bluebonbon with the same profile pic? GASP! my long lost blog twin?
:D


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Getting older and fatter ungracefully

So my dude and I are driving back from the eye doctor after his eye check(he had cataract removal surgery last week and everything seems to have gone well)and of course he's driving and showing off he's newly found 20/20 vision.
During the ride home, the morning sun caught and highlighted his beautiful smile lines and the way his long eyelashes come together when he smiles. I pulled down the mirror and remembered us almost a decade ago. Wow, time has changed us. I too have changed. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. On the outside, I look like I've been through hell. I look like a woman twice my age. My dude has some health problems, and between us, i struggle with this.
I see he notices the extra weight on me and he never ever says a negative thing about it (he's gracious enough). However it has an impact on our relationship at every level.
There is a big age difference. I used to pretend not to notice, I was gracious enough. As of late I have been nasty about it. The difference is 25 years. Before you ask, there is no gold to be dug. He is a genuine good person with a good heart. We were best friends before anything else. We were separated by at least 1400 miles and would have long conversations, mainly about me, but still. I feel like I have let him down. I should be this gorgeous woman, a trophy. Not because he demands this or expects this. But isn't this why men go with younger women? I am insecure about my weight for sure, I am more insecure of my wrinkles and feeling so old.
Some things are inevitable, age is one of them. Honestly, I never thought this age thing would happen to me.

Physical therapy was umm nice.

My first day of physical therapy was amazing! Let me just say it was like a spa day! Well spa hour minus the zap gun, more on that in a bit. Let me walk you through this event. :)
Sign in, wait. I'm a little nervous as I don't know what to expect. I had my assessment and had to do some funny faces for a therapist yesterday but..oh they just called my name, it's this cute guy, late 20's, early 30's? smells Nice,about 5'10, could use some more meat on his ribs but not a total eye sore. Takes me to a pumpkin colored room, with a standard exam table draped in a white sheet, looks pretty clinical in there, pictures and diagrams of muscles on the wall. He asks me to make some faces, tells me these are my "warm up" exercises and should practice them at home. He also says, " I'm going to put a heating pad then I'm going to shoot you with a gun". "What?" "oh you'll see." He continues to get some stuff ready.

Ladies...the lights dimmed. My feet raised. The heating pad applied, the smell of alcohol waifed through the air (did I mention I like the smell of alcohol pads and Clorox? weird huh?) and relaxation music played (read elevator music) total and complete zen. Ding. Times up.
My ten minutes of zen were up lights back on. He walked in with a yellow stun gun and was aiming it at my face. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! 15 minutes of involuntary muscle contractions ZAP! each ZAP! was making my face ZAP! contort ZAP! into ZAP! a mutant freak and it wasn't very comfortable! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! finally it was over! whew.

LADIES!!! ATTENTION! The ehhem Therapist (he by the way was a complete professional) then continued to apply lotion to my zapped face and UNgently MASSAGE my very sore face. He applied using his entire hand, not just his fingertips, and was firm, using both hands, rubbing yet not rubbing the cream INTO my skin. It was somehow very sexy. I have to keep in mind that this is Physical THERAPYYYYYY.
Understand I'm very uncomfortable with touch and for a stranger to be touching my face OH noooo. but this is a technique that certainly could replace well lets not go that far, but could ENHANCE foreplay lol. anyway where the heck am I going with this. Oh yes. The massage was stimulating, the end. :D

:) I can't wait to smile :)

Between you and I...I don't smile very often, I don't think i do anyway, I'm a serious person, unless I'm tipsy then whoo hooo!!! I'm grinning and laughing!!!

This Bell's Palsy has taught me one thing. I don't smile enough. Do you? I walk right by people and not greet them or smile to say good morning, have a good one, go fuck yourself, nothing.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
This is week three of this Bell's crap and it is getting OLD. I start physical therapy this afternoon and I have no idea what to expect. I'm all done with my meds for it though.

I promise myself and to all those people that I come across that I will greet them with a big smile and I will try to smile often! Lesson learned.
Oh and I will try not to worry about wrinkles around my lips :D

Dr's Orders

So, today I went to see a weight loss specialist. An actual physician who specializes on this stuff. My friend and I amazed by another friends results decided to bite the bullet and go check it out. Mind you we have been working out. I have been going over to her house and doing the P90X workout and I have been doing something else in the evening, racquetball or treadmill or Zumba or yoga or whatever.
Anyway we go see this doctor we step on the fat-o-meter she has 15 pounds of fat to lose and her BMI is around 30. I have 70 pounds to lose and my BMI is 49. Holy crap. The program is explained we decide to enroll. Basically it's a shot of b12 and some super other stuff per week, some chromium and some super diuretic, plus a stimulant. The jerk off doctor doesn't know I'm a nurse, doesn't know I'm already on a stimulant oh and by the way this damn stimulant interacts with my other meds I'm taking to keep me slightly less neurotic than I naturally am. So naturally he gives me a lower dose. :) problem solved NOT. After giving us the nice bag full of supplements he proceeds to tell us about the DIET the 1200/calorie/day DIET :) I ask doctor, wouldn't we lose weight on 1200 cals a day ANYWAY without the supplements. He says "no" The injection, supplement and diet is the perfection combination for weight loss. Yeah right.

Like I said NO MAGIC BULLET just diet and exercise. I might go for the b12 shot because of the energy boost, not once a week as he recommends, but once a month. I left a little annoyed but we enjoyed salad and bread sticks at Olive Garden Yum, And tomorrow we shall work out and my skinny friend can bitch about her little loaf of Fat while I moan about my mountains of fat rolls and drink Starbucks and laugh at the Real housewives of orange county reruns. :D no magic bullet doc, good try though.

YARRGGG ok so here it is!!

I said I wasn't! But here I am anyway!!!stooopid resolutions!
Forget everything I said before about not doing them...here it is people.

So I'm thinking and plotting. I call my girlfriend Shanie up. We decide we're gonna workout at 9 AM after dropping our kids off at school. Our Goal? to lose 10 percent of our body weight. There has to be an incentive right? So we're gonna treat ourselves...nope, no ice cream or lava food cake here! Our treat?

Have you ever wished your hair was more manageable? Softer? Straighter? Had more shine? The Salon at ULTA has an answer: Keratin Smoothing Treatment by Coppola.

(not pushing ulta, promise)

To understand the need of this procedure one must be looking at this monstrosity as it types. My roots are over grown by AT LEAST one inch with wirier greys sticking out, my flat iron is SCARED to touch my hair at this point. I am in desperate need people. My next step is a do rag or one of those little barrettes the artists wear...hmmm that's an idea.

I want to also document to fatness to not so fattylicious but this is your warning. you will be shocked. and possibly say "oh no she didn't show off the cottage cheese inside those stretch marks!"

Viewer beware. Umm next time.I will brave the scale in about an hour for an accurate PRE-WEIGHT yikes.

Happy New Fantastic Year!!!

I hope everyone is having a fantastic day and a great start to the new year! Can you believe it's 2010????
I'm trying not to freak out and remain calm. So, okay it means it's time to bring out the new calendars, no big deal, right? BUT, we have been conditioned to SET resolutions.
Like last year I resolved not to be so dang judgemental. it worked for about 6 months, then here I am casting judgement on everything and everyone that deems it! So I wonder is it even worth it???
I won't resolve to lose weight this year. I'm wanting to get my cholesterol down, but do I really need a new year to do that? I want to get healthier, be a better mom, read more often, laugh harder, on and on but will switching calenders be the magic bullet I've been looking for or is it a placebo that makes it easier to start these plans with? Okay so here we go with all these resolutions, yet again. Maybe this will be the year I do become a better person with a better cholesterol level?!?

Oh by the way..here is an update on the Damn Cat. She totally melts my heart and I love her so much. Her name I think is Kitty. She doesn't like baths but she needs them especially when she runs outside and rolls around on the concrete. She loves being held in the towel after her bath!

(I'm trying to smile but the right side of my right face is still paralyzed with the Bells Palsy. I truly am NOT being a smart ass! )