Starting from scratch

I'm standing outside having my coffee. This is becoming my daily routine. As I feel the fresh morning breeze on my face I wonder how I let it get to this point. I often wonder this. They say men think about sex every sixty seconds. Well I think about it, meaning my life, just as much. There was a plan, a schedule, a time line. Then my plan shattered and everything went so wrong. A few months ago, I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, myself ready for work, packing my lunch, stopping at the coffee shop, don't forget the laptop because homework needs to be turned in by five! I looked forward to talking to the boss, showing her how well I was doing, I wanted the director's position.

I'm suddenly paralyzed when I remember: Summer of 2006. July 19 to be exact. My life changed forever.

Currently, I am almost unemployed. Technically I have a job, I mean I work for a staffing firm that places nurses at facilities where they are needed. However I have this issue see, I declared my craziness "illness" after my diagnosis was made and after I was already a licenced nurse. Now I have to pay the consequence for a period of time. The punishment consequence is that anyone in the field will know I am crazy nuts bipolar.

 No one wants to hire crazy. It's a liability to have crazy taking care of people. Crazy shouldn't pass meds. Crazy cannot be stable. Regardless of how stable Crazy is. I see myself becoming bitter about this.

This Crazy has been stable enough to pass for strange or maybe even weird.

Regardless of how unstable I am, I have always known this; I have never and will never cause harm to another person or animal, ever. Crazy or sane. Ever.

A facility took a chance on hiring me for a shift not so long ago. Wouldn't you know it. The receptionist was the receptionist at the nut house where I was two years ago and she remembered me. It wasn't long before the rest of the staff knew about my stay at the funny farm.

What are my options? Move to another town maybe no one will recognize me? I still have to take my stained license with me. Drop my Nurse title and become something else...maybe a...a...ummm I have no idea!

According to my plan, I should be done with grad school by now opening up a practice. Instead I'm starting from scratch. It is REFRESHING. How many people get a do over?

So I wanna say FAK it!

Ok so Fak the diet and keep the work out!?!

How do those delicious buttery potatoes suit you?  They suit me fine, mmmm! I can deal with the work out, I just need the carbs, lots of them appearently.

I feel better when I work out. It doesn't matter if it's this crazy SWAT work out, my lazy day aqua-robics, my fun zumba...I just feel good...ummm along with mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and uppers I feel better that is :)

So fak the diet part for now I'm a fatty chick that aspires to be a woman who is mistaken for someone with an eating disorder...I'm kinda not joking about this and yes I know it's twisted thinking...yes I still know I'm COO coo not breaking the news to me...

Having a loving life moment, hoping it's not a spur of the mania moment...

kELLY bENSIMON gOES bANaNAs

Last night on The Real Housewives of new York City Kelly showed a side of herself that was a little odd. This is her second  season and she's been teased light hearted for being in "Kelly's world". I kinda took it as things not phasing her maybe she was above it and didn't want to get involved. Although she's never been my favorite housewives (she's not even a wife btw)  I could identify with her aloofness and some of of her quirks.

However, last night Kelly went from quirky to lost my marbles at recess, and in all honesty it wasn't pleasant to watch...not even on T.V. It was uncomfortable! Obviously, I don't know her personally but in some weird way I kinda relate to her. I don't know if what happened on that show was medically induced but her behavior was either very good acting ( I so much doubt!) or some sort of manic delusion of bipolar disorder. That I can relate to all to well. Seeing her skip away into the hallway gave me the creeps and felt truly sorry for the women who were trying to understand what was happening to their dinner guest. OMG I have so much to atone for as I put my family though hell for many years. Seeing a stranger on TV! was so uncomfortable can't imagine seeing a loved one go bananas up close and personal.
Can't wait to see what happens next. I hope she seeks the help she needs.