You Don't Understand!

My wonderful twelve year old son was trying to train our two rambunctious labs earlier in the week. It was entertaining to be a silent observer in his quest to educate these cuties at the same time to "down".  He has seen me train them one at a time, indoors, after being fed. However this is his time with them and I am only here to support his efforts and not to criticize. :) The dogs have very different temperaments and both are attention hogs! My son worked with them about five minutes and started getting frustrated. I suggested he stop training and resume after feeding them. My intelligent child blurted, "....You Don't Understand...." huh?

This reminded me of all the times my nuthouse patients have told me I don't understand.


Let me explain something about people who go into the psych field. This includes psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, nurses, psychologists. We go into it because we have experienced it. Personally or with family, we have been there. As in up close and personal. We have seen dysfunction. We have seen drug abuse. We want to study it to heal ourselves first. There are exceptions, few and far between.
Many of us are broken. Maybe most of us are. I may have a badge and a chart but it does not mean I have all the answers. It means at this moment I am functioning at a level where I can help you get out of your funk.

Patients teach me every day. How good I have it. How much better I truly have gotten. How stable I am. I am grateful not to be afflicted with a terminal illness. I am only bipolar. I am a stable bipolar person.

I understand how dark the darkness gets and my heart aches when I see the depressed patient lays in their room and doesn’t even open their curtains to let the sunshine in. I have been there, got the T-shirt to prove it.

Yes, I understand. I won't tell you my story if I'm your nurse someday. Feel confident that when I, any of us are caring for you, you are in good hands.

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy"

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy" ~ Nora Ephron

Interesting quote. With this idea in mind,
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse to death.
Talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it.
It remains a constant. It has become a taboo. My family
doesn't talk to me about IT for fear IT might come back.
I need to openly discuss my affliction. I can't get the words
out. The sentences do not form. My brain shuts down.

             s l u g g i sh

from my constant fear of rejection to being ashamed to alienate
yet someone else.I know I will somehow over come it.
Two years of therapy and I still can't get the words out.
All stuck in my throat.
            (((insane)))
is what I'll become if I don't let them free and out of me.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

I was going to end today's thought here but after having coffee another thought entered my well caffeinated brain:
I am not miserable. You know, I have been stable for a while. Yes, I still THINK of performing delicate, fine lines of cuts on my skin. BUT I do not. I sit and meditate, granted it's on the bathroom floor sometimes, until the crazy thoughts pass but I don't leave reality. I no longer fantasize about leaving this world.

I am even going to venture to say that EVEN with this diagnosis of Bipolar Type Crazy, I am more sane now than some of the undiagnosed, addicted, truly insane, "professional", delusional nurses I have met in my many years of nursing. The path has been long. Medications have been tried, tossed, injected and rejected. However I have to say that stability is good.

With this I dust myself off and carry on with my thoughts of insanity and profess that today I am a little less insane than I was yesterday.

Starting from scratch

I'm standing outside having my coffee. This is becoming my daily routine. As I feel the fresh morning breeze on my face I wonder how I let it get to this point. I often wonder this. They say men think about sex every sixty seconds. Well I think about it, meaning my life, just as much. There was a plan, a schedule, a time line. Then my plan shattered and everything went so wrong. A few months ago, I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, myself ready for work, packing my lunch, stopping at the coffee shop, don't forget the laptop because homework needs to be turned in by five! I looked forward to talking to the boss, showing her how well I was doing, I wanted the director's position.

I'm suddenly paralyzed when I remember: Summer of 2006. July 19 to be exact. My life changed forever.

Currently, I am almost unemployed. Technically I have a job, I mean I work for a staffing firm that places nurses at facilities where they are needed. However I have this issue see, I declared my craziness "illness" after my diagnosis was made and after I was already a licenced nurse. Now I have to pay the consequence for a period of time. The punishment consequence is that anyone in the field will know I am crazy nuts bipolar.

 No one wants to hire crazy. It's a liability to have crazy taking care of people. Crazy shouldn't pass meds. Crazy cannot be stable. Regardless of how stable Crazy is. I see myself becoming bitter about this.

This Crazy has been stable enough to pass for strange or maybe even weird.

Regardless of how unstable I am, I have always known this; I have never and will never cause harm to another person or animal, ever. Crazy or sane. Ever.

A facility took a chance on hiring me for a shift not so long ago. Wouldn't you know it. The receptionist was the receptionist at the nut house where I was two years ago and she remembered me. It wasn't long before the rest of the staff knew about my stay at the funny farm.

What are my options? Move to another town maybe no one will recognize me? I still have to take my stained license with me. Drop my Nurse title and become something else...maybe a...a...ummm I have no idea!

According to my plan, I should be done with grad school by now opening up a practice. Instead I'm starting from scratch. It is REFRESHING. How many people get a do over?

Little punching seizures

I ran out of my crazy meds on Thursday. Actually, It's just Paxil, an antidepressant. I've been on it for many, many years. My shrink has told me not to let it run out because it can cause seizures to just go cold turkey off these kind of medications. Ya ok, I know this cuz I done time as a psyc nurse, I read all the info on Paxil and wrote more than my share of papers on SSRI's when I was going to grad school.

Do you think this Bipolar Nurse  listens? Well ya. Most of the time.

The shrink tells me that Paxil is one of the toughes SSRI's to come off of and I need to be weaned if "we" want to try something else. No, I don't want to come off of it. It has been the only one that has kinda sort of kept me out of the grips of depression, along with mood stabilizers to stabilize my stable instability.

There was a day not too long ago I was taking serious meds we give our seriously mentally ill patients. Medications (all at one time, as in scheduled) like Geodon, Seroquel, Klonopin, Lithium, Depakote trazadone and other scary sounding meds.
Anyway, when I have stopped taking Paxil in the past for more that a couple of days I get little shocks. I can't describe them. It's almost like my vision jumps to one side, my body punches me back a couple of seconds, all while sitting completely still. I don't lose consciousness and I realize it's happening and what's going on around me. I'm calling them my punching seizures. i really don't know if they really are the start of a seizure because I've never had one. I do notice they come easier and faster each time I don't refill my meds. Oh and the nausea, the only nausea that's acceptable is one that comes on after too much drinking.

My meds as of yesterday are on auto refill. I give in.

Oh and also, it's a lie. Having mental illness is nothing like having high blood pressure or diabetes. Yes, you take medication for the rest of your life. There has to be lifestyle changes for these such as rest, exercise and even proper diet. That's where the comparison ends.
The difference is that when you tell someone that you are affected (should I say infested?) with mental illness the words UNSTABLE are stamped on your forehead. The stigma lives on. Within the professional community as well. Invisible obstacles are placed where there were none before.

I have tried to "learn life" after coming back from my crazy (a severly manic episode) but have found it difficult without admitting that I am/have been crazy. I still feel a little weird or maybe think everyone can "see" that I am just a little off, not right. Meds make me feel dim, stupid, for sure forgetful and tired.

This is where I'm going with this. I warn you it may get dark before it gets brighter. It's not going to be easy.

I'm Perfect

In every way, I'm perfect. Perfection is defined by me.
I cannot make mistakes. Mistakes terrify me. The world may implode
may I ever make a mistake. Of course I won't because I am Perfect. My sister
would always tell me so. Little Ms. Perfect, she would call me. I think she
was jealous, still is if you ask me.

If someone, ever points out that I could be mistaken, incomplete or short on details
I become very. very upset. Poised. But upset. My head silently blows into a million pieces.
My heart pounds out of every artery. I smile. I ask "really? " I blink quickly to pull back my tears
of anger. My thoughts of my shattered mind race. How is this possible, how could I have let this slip, why didn't I prepare. I feel the need to scream, go into a violent rage, instead I stand there staring blankly, with a stupid grin. Then I shut down.

Taking the the perceived criticism. I should have done it better. I failed. My perfection is flawed.
My frosting is cracked. My botox needs renewing. My polish is chipped. I have a cavity.

Relationships suck!

Either Relationships SUCK or I suck at relationships. Either way, I'm finding them very obnoxious.
Truth be told, even over rated.

Example, we've all heard over half of marriages end in divorce. Well with those odds crap, pick a stranger and flip a coin. Heads it stands the test of time, infidelity, children and sagging boobs, not in that order necessarily but you get my point. Tails it's see you later but I get the house and the Mercedes - you get the bills and the ailing cat.
Oh!  Not to mention this method bypasses all the melodrama of dating. The what am I going to wear to meet your mother? What do you mean I'm not worthy of your folks? They live in a single wide on the outskirts of town! To the why didn't he call and why is he calling so much..and of course..when do I break it to him that I'm crazy and teetering on alcoholism to boot. If I'm lucky he will break the news first that's he's some horrible addicted gambler and is also addicted to online porn and I'll dump him tragically which will spin me into a deep depression for a week till I go into my next mania and go through a string of wild flings. Yes, this is love in my world. This type of relationship SUCKS eggs.

Friendship: Also, pretty sucky. I suck anyway. Other people seem to enjoy friends and frienships without issue. Not me. I complicate pretty much everything (read:Fuck up).
My longstanding friendship with my best friend I "complicated" by sleeping with him. Actually, that's how we met then became friends but then I slept with him then ahhh you get the point.
My girlfriends well it's complicated...all of them are.

Family: Didn't pick em. Not sure I want em. Stuck with em (?) more on them some other time

I have complicated my relationship of a few years with my best friend/boyfriend. He was used to rescuing me.He said he hasn't felt needed or wanted lately. We don't talk for hours anymore,somedays we only say a few words to each other, there isn't anymore confiding in each other anymore either, the intimacy is gone. The love runs deep, like color through a mountain. I walked in the room yesterday and wanted to hold him and love on him but the only thing that I could do was say "hey".
A few hours later we talked. We knew it was coming. Do we want this? No. Who wants this? No one wants to live in the shadow of resentment and coldness. I guess I saw it coming and knew something was missing. He begged and would always ask me to marry him when it was impossible for us to actually marry. Then it all stopped. Like a semi truck slamming on the breaks. I wondered why he didn't wanna marry me anymore. Did I gain one too many pounds? Was I suddenly too ugly? A bad cook?  poor housekeeper? The reality is that there were too many "hey's" instead of  I want you's.

Sadly, I stopped being that crazy young lady in need of rescuing and needing my knight in shinning armor he met  a decade ago. I have some how turned into this jagged insane wench that has learned to cope with the ups and downs of life despite of all the scars on her arms and in her heart.

I've blurred the line on what's worth keeping and what's worth fighting for. Keep me or throw me away, it doesn't seem to matter.

Yeah they do suck.

So I wanna say FAK it!

Ok so Fak the diet and keep the work out!?!

How do those delicious buttery potatoes suit you?  They suit me fine, mmmm! I can deal with the work out, I just need the carbs, lots of them appearently.

I feel better when I work out. It doesn't matter if it's this crazy SWAT work out, my lazy day aqua-robics, my fun zumba...I just feel good...ummm along with mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and uppers I feel better that is :)

So fak the diet part for now I'm a fatty chick that aspires to be a woman who is mistaken for someone with an eating disorder...I'm kinda not joking about this and yes I know it's twisted thinking...yes I still know I'm COO coo not breaking the news to me...

Having a loving life moment, hoping it's not a spur of the mania moment...

September 11

I am willing to bet you remember what you were doing when you first saw that plane go into the twin towers.

I remember I was watching the Today show with Matt and Katie, it was surreal. I wanted my to shield my three year old son from this but at the same time I wanted him to see what was unfolding before him, of course he couldn't grasp it. hell, I couldn't grasp it. It was chaos.

Do I go to help? Do I stay put? What just happened?

It was a somber day. Even in the southwest part of Texas. The streets were quiet. We were polite. Everyone was America United.

Nine years later we have not forgotten, the wounds fresh. Bitterness and intolerance sadly have grown.

I miss the world that was September 10, 2001 We were ignorant to the dangers of the world. We were innocent.

Day 3 Pending

So today feels like a run on sentence from yesterday only I know its not allergies

blah

Coffee, I'm sure it was because it came from the coffee pot though I couldn't taste it.

I'm going to lay in bed and moan...no not outta pleasure but in my cold stricken booger ridden

missseeery!

Toss me a tissue will ya.

Hope I lose a pound or two.

Day 2 Total Failure

I woke up with a sore throat. Took tylenol and and claritin didn't know if I was allergies or start of a cold or flu. yeah I'm a nurse. clueless most of the time.

Pour some coffee. Shit I have to weigh myself.
Scale must be broken cuz I didn't lose a damn pound. I'm still 19 pounds away from goal.
Drink my coffee.
Kids are up...hussle and bustle. Drop off munchkns at school. 
All is going well.
Make eggs and veggies yummy.

Boyfriend comes home, house is still a mess, laundry is half way done, I have failed as a domestic diva.
The words of my bff resonate in my head ((((being home is your job now))))
failed

ok.. clean up is done..half assed cuz I'm still feeling lousy..must not be allergies...my head is now feeling like it could pop... "Babe I'mma gonna go to the asian market to pick up some crap"!
Boyfriend barely acknowledges my exsistance. Where he used to swoon at my scent. Oh well no time to dwell.

Lunch:
Chicken
while fixen dinner

Pick up kids. Homework. Dogs.
Dinner
Tofu
Clear funky noodles
veggie stir fry
it was a failure.
I also had some of my kids cereal.
Lots of my kids cereal.

I didn't work out either.

Bed time and I am feeling more and more like crap.

Day 1 outta how many? oh ya 14

Motivation.
This is the word that describes the begining of the day.

Ate an egg white omelette with an extra cup of veggies. Extra large coffee.
Can't be perfect all the time.

Workout shit it was still as tough as the first time.

Dinner Chicken salad. Liter of water.

Wiped out.

It wasn't a perfect day, I didn't follow the plan to the letter. I need to.
See you tomorrow.

So remember it's not a diet blog...

I'm on a diet! Yes again (sigh)
I went out and got a new DVD that promises to show results in 14 days. It's the SWAT workout. I did it 4 days ago and I was FREAKIN sore. So, I put it away. I'm gonna get it out again. This time I'm gonna bore you everyday with my story of the workouts. Tomorrow begins day 1.

Also, I went to the library (GASP!!!!) and checked out a book (CHOKE!!!) that says I couuld lose UP TO 15 pounds in two weeks...oh really?

So, if I get this right...doing some insane workout that promises results in 14 days AND doing some DIET that also says I can do this in Two weeks...Hmmm I should see some sort of difference right?

Okay. See you with full results on election day/first day of fall AKA sep 22.

I will also see you everyday for the next 14 days with every GORY detail.