"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy"

"Insane people always make sure that they are fine, it's the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy" ~ Nora Ephron

Interesting quote. With this idea in mind,
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse to death.
Talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it.
It remains a constant. It has become a taboo. My family
doesn't talk to me about IT for fear IT might come back.
I need to openly discuss my affliction. I can't get the words
out. The sentences do not form. My brain shuts down.

             s l u g g i sh

from my constant fear of rejection to being ashamed to alienate
yet someone else.I know I will somehow over come it.
Two years of therapy and I still can't get the words out.
All stuck in my throat.
            (((insane)))
is what I'll become if I don't let them free and out of me.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

I was going to end today's thought here but after having coffee another thought entered my well caffeinated brain:
I am not miserable. You know, I have been stable for a while. Yes, I still THINK of performing delicate, fine lines of cuts on my skin. BUT I do not. I sit and meditate, granted it's on the bathroom floor sometimes, until the crazy thoughts pass but I don't leave reality. I no longer fantasize about leaving this world.

I am even going to venture to say that EVEN with this diagnosis of Bipolar Type Crazy, I am more sane now than some of the undiagnosed, addicted, truly insane, "professional", delusional nurses I have met in my many years of nursing. The path has been long. Medications have been tried, tossed, injected and rejected. However I have to say that stability is good.

With this I dust myself off and carry on with my thoughts of insanity and profess that today I am a little less insane than I was yesterday.

So I wanna say FAK it!

Ok so Fak the diet and keep the work out!?!

How do those delicious buttery potatoes suit you?  They suit me fine, mmmm! I can deal with the work out, I just need the carbs, lots of them appearently.

I feel better when I work out. It doesn't matter if it's this crazy SWAT work out, my lazy day aqua-robics, my fun zumba...I just feel good...ummm along with mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and uppers I feel better that is :)

So fak the diet part for now I'm a fatty chick that aspires to be a woman who is mistaken for someone with an eating disorder...I'm kinda not joking about this and yes I know it's twisted thinking...yes I still know I'm COO coo not breaking the news to me...

Having a loving life moment, hoping it's not a spur of the mania moment...

Day 1 outta how many? oh ya 14

Motivation.
This is the word that describes the begining of the day.

Ate an egg white omelette with an extra cup of veggies. Extra large coffee.
Can't be perfect all the time.

Workout shit it was still as tough as the first time.

Dinner Chicken salad. Liter of water.

Wiped out.

It wasn't a perfect day, I didn't follow the plan to the letter. I need to.
See you tomorrow.

kELLY bENSIMON gOES bANaNAs

Last night on The Real Housewives of new York City Kelly showed a side of herself that was a little odd. This is her second  season and she's been teased light hearted for being in "Kelly's world". I kinda took it as things not phasing her maybe she was above it and didn't want to get involved. Although she's never been my favorite housewives (she's not even a wife btw)  I could identify with her aloofness and some of of her quirks.

However, last night Kelly went from quirky to lost my marbles at recess, and in all honesty it wasn't pleasant to watch...not even on T.V. It was uncomfortable! Obviously, I don't know her personally but in some weird way I kinda relate to her. I don't know if what happened on that show was medically induced but her behavior was either very good acting ( I so much doubt!) or some sort of manic delusion of bipolar disorder. That I can relate to all to well. Seeing her skip away into the hallway gave me the creeps and felt truly sorry for the women who were trying to understand what was happening to their dinner guest. OMG I have so much to atone for as I put my family though hell for many years. Seeing a stranger on TV! was so uncomfortable can't imagine seeing a loved one go bananas up close and personal.
Can't wait to see what happens next. I hope she seeks the help she needs.

Little tummy BIG hunger!

So now I'm semi looking decent. I'm starting to work out again ( I walked/jogged this morning in preperation for June 5th 5k).

Honestly, I am always HUNGRY! I sit here typing and am dreaming of a bag of Rese's PB cups, pie, anything unhealthy while I have a fridge full of healthy stuff.
How does one become an overeater in control or in recovery? A recovered overeater? Is there such a thing? An alcoholic stops drinking but a person cannot stop eating. It's a control thing but then that becomes a disorder like anorexia or bullimia or am I taking this to extremes? possibly.

Any who. I might be exagerating but I'm not sure. I do snack a lot though. I might need a schedule. kinda like babies, or Pavlo's dog. Ding-time to eat!
Food continues to bring people together and bring happiness to us!

Physical therapy was umm nice.

My first day of physical therapy was amazing! Let me just say it was like a spa day! Well spa hour minus the zap gun, more on that in a bit. Let me walk you through this event. :)
Sign in, wait. I'm a little nervous as I don't know what to expect. I had my assessment and had to do some funny faces for a therapist yesterday but..oh they just called my name, it's this cute guy, late 20's, early 30's? smells Nice,about 5'10, could use some more meat on his ribs but not a total eye sore. Takes me to a pumpkin colored room, with a standard exam table draped in a white sheet, looks pretty clinical in there, pictures and diagrams of muscles on the wall. He asks me to make some faces, tells me these are my "warm up" exercises and should practice them at home. He also says, " I'm going to put a heating pad then I'm going to shoot you with a gun". "What?" "oh you'll see." He continues to get some stuff ready.

Ladies...the lights dimmed. My feet raised. The heating pad applied, the smell of alcohol waifed through the air (did I mention I like the smell of alcohol pads and Clorox? weird huh?) and relaxation music played (read elevator music) total and complete zen. Ding. Times up.
My ten minutes of zen were up lights back on. He walked in with a yellow stun gun and was aiming it at my face. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! 15 minutes of involuntary muscle contractions ZAP! each ZAP! was making my face ZAP! contort ZAP! into ZAP! a mutant freak and it wasn't very comfortable! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! finally it was over! whew.

LADIES!!! ATTENTION! The ehhem Therapist (he by the way was a complete professional) then continued to apply lotion to my zapped face and UNgently MASSAGE my very sore face. He applied using his entire hand, not just his fingertips, and was firm, using both hands, rubbing yet not rubbing the cream INTO my skin. It was somehow very sexy. I have to keep in mind that this is Physical THERAPYYYYYY.
Understand I'm very uncomfortable with touch and for a stranger to be touching my face OH noooo. but this is a technique that certainly could replace well lets not go that far, but could ENHANCE foreplay lol. anyway where the heck am I going with this. Oh yes. The massage was stimulating, the end. :D

not blu today

Have you ever noticed how easy it can be to be happy? I mean it feel so good to smile and laugh and interact with happy people. I love my happy days when I can lay in bed at the end of the day and think of the good things that happened. My daughters laughter echoes in my ears, my sons' smiles etched in my mind. There is just something magical to happy moments. If happiness had a scent to it it would smell like rain, or cotton candy, maybe an alcohol wipe, I'm not sure. For a few years now I've needed medication to get me out of the darkness of depression, now I'm seeing some rays of light, maybe it is only the antidepressants. I wont lie to myself, there are days maybe hours that the clouds gloom and threaten to come down again but for the most part they leave fairly quick. I'm hoping to find a support group in my town for depression, I don't ever, ever want to feel that blue again.

I feel so much better, The smiles that were just a year ago feigned are becoming real. I can set goals again.

I live for happiness even if its transient at this point I'll take it.