Monday, September 20, 2010

Starting from scratch

I'm standing outside having my coffee. This is becoming my daily routine. As I feel the fresh morning breeze on my face I wonder how I let it get to this point. I often wonder this. They say men think about sex every sixty seconds. Well I think about it, meaning my life, just as much. There was a plan, a schedule, a time line. Then my plan shattered and everything went so wrong. A few months ago, I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, myself ready for work, packing my lunch, stopping at the coffee shop, don't forget the laptop because homework needs to be turned in by five! I looked forward to talking to the boss, showing her how well I was doing, I wanted the director's position.

I'm suddenly paralyzed when I remember: Summer of 2006. July 19 to be exact. My life changed forever.

Currently, I am almost unemployed. Technically I have a job, I mean I work for a staffing firm that places nurses at facilities where they are needed. However I have this issue see, I declared my craziness "illness" after my diagnosis was made and after I was already a licenced nurse. Now I have to pay the consequence for a period of time. The punishment consequence is that anyone in the field will know I am crazy nuts bipolar.

 No one wants to hire crazy. It's a liability to have crazy taking care of people. Crazy shouldn't pass meds. Crazy cannot be stable. Regardless of how stable Crazy is. I see myself becoming bitter about this.
This Crazy has been stable enough to pass for strange or maybe even weird.
Regardless of how unstable I am, I have always known this; I have never and will never cause harm to another person or animal, ever. Crazy or sane. Ever.

A facility took a chance on hiring me for a shift not so long ago. Wouldn't you know it. The receptionist was the receptionist at the nut house where I was two years ago and she remembered me. It wasn't long before the rest of the staff knew about my stay at the funny farm.

What are my options? Move to another town maybe no one will recognize me? I still have to take my stained license with me. Drop my Nurse title and become something else...maybe a...a...ummm I have no idea!

According to my plan, I should be done with grad school by now opening up a practice. Instead I'm starting from scratch. It is REFRESHING. How many people get a do over?


  1. Seems horribly unfair for them to judge you like that and not even give you a chance. I certainly hope things improve.

  2. Frankly, the fact that you have an illness and that you're going to work and taking care of business should be something other people would see as strong. Maybe not the people you WANT to see it, but the people who really matter. And those who aren't on that side really don't matter.

  3. Agreed. but when other people's health are in your hands I see why facilities are not willing to give me a chance though I desperately want one! I need to work to feel sane.
    Kate you're right it shouldn't matter, I want my kids and my love to see that I can handle my crazies and life just like a regular mom :)

  4. Because you can see both sides, it is a testiment to how stable you really are.People forget. Fuck them if they don't. Part of healing our soul is being honest with what is really inside us, facing yesterday, dealing with today and finding a place for tomorrow.Most people are not brave enough to take this journey. I am so very proud of you and grateful to call you friend. Solid, honest, giving. A true light in the darkest at my weakest hour. Stop comparing your life to old plans. Life will not allow you to live in the fantasy bubble you had imagined.Introspection takes most people seven years. You will be....
    That is your plan. No matter where you land you will be beautiful, you will be insightful, giving, seasoned, and a life line for everyone you connect with.You are the smartest person I know.Your light shines so bright, you can't see around it, but it is a beacon in the night for everyone who knows you.

  5. As a fellow RN who has been there done that, I didnt have a problem with it. Im sure people knew but I didnt advertise it and I was always high functioning so I always looked fine. Just go out and try to do what you want, no harm in trying!

  6. Thanks brokenpieces, I don't advertise it either. Sometimes i feel people "know" something is "wrong" with me. Am I toooo happy today? Am I tooo quiet today? :)


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