Saturday, June 4, 2011

Take me away

 I am so greatful  for my children. I know it sounds trite. If it wasn't for them, I know my purpose on this earth would be done. In fact, there are days I don't know how I can possibly manage another minute. Of course then I'm reminded how blessed I really I am.
In the past I have prayed for my time to come to an end, as selfish as it sounds. To be real honest it has been on more than one occasion. 
I remember one day when I had my baby of only a few months. I couldn't see the light of day even on the sunniest day. I was in the grips of depression, only then I didn't know what it was. 
 I prayed and prayed for god to take me. I could not bear the loneliness of a strange town, a new baby and a monster of a husband.
One sunny spring day, I bundled my son up in his little carrier and we went to the pier. The sun was bright. I pushed his buggy down the pier and sat facing away from the water. The sun was shining on us for what felt like hours. I think we needed that. It must of warmed our souls.  He was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. That day, I knew. 
The sun no longer shines for me.
To this day remember that sunny day on the pier when darkness falls on my heart. 


  1. I know you because we have something in common :)

  2. I understand this feeling of your children saving you... if not for mine, I wouldn't be nearly so grounded.
    At times lately, I feel TOO grounded... I think this is due to my daughter and her issues. Honestly, I'm tired... she exhibits bi-polar, sociopathic tendencies and I'm tired. I mean, I've had to deal with my paranoid-schizophrenic mother my whole life and have finally gotten away from all of that by moving FAR away, and now this... bleh! The bi-polar is enough, but the sociopathic behavior is hard. She doesn't care about the consequences of her actions, so she doesn't learn from them. I'm ready for her to have her own life, but we have another year of this, and if I stop fooling myself, way more than a year. I mean, being a teen is rough enough, but being a teen with bi-polar tendencies (we're taking her to a therapist soon), and being sociopathic on top of that is not a good combination. Plus the meds they put these teens on usually work against them and cause major depression. Advice?

  3. I know the feeling oh so well- nothing makes me happy anymore. Well i guess its been a long time since anything made me Happy. or think "life is good". My kids are the only thing that keep me going. Sadness seems to just shield the sun ...

  4. Wow, what a great, honest, raw post! Loved it. I hate depression, it is like a heavy blanket on you, and not in a good way..hope you are feeling ok!


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