Wednesday, December 23, 2009

One Bonbon's Guide to Gym Etiquette

1. Do not look at the fatty on the elliptical machine (aka, me). I only appear to be smiling at you but in reality it's a scowl, how dare you interrupt the breathing process by smiling? Just like Walking and chewing gum, HA!

2. Wipe down all machines used. I do mean wipe down. Completely.
People, for goodness sakes, Even if you're on for 15 minutes there is sweat coming from the forehead, various facial areas, including the NOSE, the back, oh yes how can I forget the drops of sweat flying off you when you turn to see if anyone saw you pick your nose, or pull out your underwear from your nether regions and try to, how should I say..fix your sanitary lady napkin per se, that by the way is now bulging out like a turd coming out of your pink Lycra shorts that are sweat stained right in the middle of your butt cheeks. Men; you do not get off that easily please refrain from scratching your male ding dongers while your on the machines. May I advise on some sort of anti-jock itch powder? Also, there is a stretching area, there is NO need to do so ON the machines, please realize this is awkward because your too short shorts often expose your ding dongers to the fat lady. Anyway! Please, please. Wipe down the machines with the provided spray and towels THOROUGHLY because the fatty in the back sees ALL and secretly Criticizes ALL.

3. The gym should never smell like a nursing home. When it does one of two things need to happen. 1) Time to impose some sort of restriction where those requiring the use of briefs, ventilators or other medical equipment come in during certain times of day or 2) get a better ventilation system. This method would be preferable by the way. Although I would like to say I don't want to see those grannies working out with their depends underwear hauling their oxygen tanks around it kinda makes me half smile, except when they do more reps than me, then I scowl at them and their stinky-ness.

4. Do not criticize what I listen to during my workout! If you can hear it, then you're not focused enough on your own workout. By the way I only have it on 12 decibels and if you can hear it consider yourself blessed cuz it's the perfect blend from warm up to cool down:
LMFAO: I'm in Miami Trick (I'm here, on the machine, warming up, let's go)
Black Eyes Peas: Boom Boom Pow (hell yeah, my heart is pu-uh-mpin, that's what counts!)
Pitbull: Culo ( Culo=ass I don't want a big one, I need motivation)
White Zombie: I'm you're Boogie Man ( I don't want to be a boogie man! )
LL Cool J: Mama Said Knock You Out (that's right Grannie! )
OutKast: Ghetto Musick ( I'm groovin, I'm groovin)
Ying Yang Twins: Shake ( Shakin my boootie, I can do this~ I better )
GodSmack: Whatever ( will my time be up soon???)
Theory of a DeadMan: Bad Girl Friend (Cuz my dude better realize I'm bad~ass)
Linkin Park: Given Up (I want to!)
The Cranberries: Zombie (cuz by now i'm feeling like one!)

Okay so I think that's it for now...I expect this list to grow as my experiences continue to grow. I'm so glad to be back at the gym. umm gyms. as a family we have 3 memberships but expect to be cutting down to 2 ASAP. We have the nice membership for my dude and I at the regular gym,I suspect I don't need this one. The YMCA membership for the family, that one I plan on keeping for the kids sports and group classes, plus my dude and oldest son enjoy swimming. Then there is the Curves membership, though not impressed with the 9 AM smell, I have been successful with it so I guess I'll keep it too.

I weighed in my first day back at curves and boy was it sticker shock! 232 mother F@#^! Say what??? I stepped on he scale again could you believe it had the audacity to read the same thing!!! So the next day I went in and with my trainer I stepped on the scale 233 and did some measurements. I said I was one pound heavier than the day before. She said it was my muscle memory coming back :/
muscle memory??? WHAT? I would have been OK with water retention, maybe I ate more that day? muscle memory? I thought the memory was in the brain. Go figure.

The workout after my weigh-in was not easy. I felt like elephant lady going from station to station. My Huge body barely able to make the 30 second intervals, mind you it was all in my head, my body felt fine, yes my reps were down from the last time but my mind was definitely playing tricks on me!

2010 I will NOT resolve to lose weight, but I will resolve to get my cholesterol down 12 points
So I set a mini goal of 4 workouts for this week, which I have done! I must get back to Healthy!

What are some of your Gym pet peeves and have you thought about your new years resolutions?

1 comment:

  1. muscle memory?HAHA that;s a good one! I need to get into a routine, I need to find it in my will somehow I know it's there!


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