Take me away

 I am so greatful  for my children. I know it sounds trite. If it wasn't for them, I know my purpose on this earth would be done. In fact, there are days I don't know how I can possibly manage another minute. Of course then I'm reminded how blessed I really I am.

In the past I have prayed for my time to come to an end, as selfish as it sounds. To be real honest it has been on more than one occasion. 

I remember one day when I had my baby of only a few months. I couldn't see the light of day even on the sunniest day. I was in the grips of depression, only then I didn't know what it was. 

 I prayed and prayed for god to take me. I could not bear the loneliness of a strange town, a new baby and a monster of a husband.

One sunny spring day, I bundled my son up in his little carrier and we went to the pier. The sun was bright. I pushed his buggy down the pier and sat facing away from the water. The sun was shining on us for what felt like hours. I think we needed that. It must of warmed our souls.  He was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. That day, I knew. 

The sun no longer shines for me.

To this day remember that sunny day on the pier when darkness falls on my heart. 

Queen of DeNial

There are days that I want to put all this behind me. None of it really happened. How could I have been that depressed?
I am a happy go lucky, silly, woman, that likes to sing, dance and pretend to be a socialite.
There are even times I doubt why I take medication. After all, I mean, I feel fine. I am healthy.
Healthy people don't take medications. Right?
DENIAL
DENIAL
DENIAL
I accept that these are not medications. They are simply vitamins to keep me healthy. Keep me going.
Part of a routine.
Like a person with high blood pressure takes them to control the blood pressure and in the end prevent a stroke.My meds prevent me from going there.That cold, dark place, where no one should ever go. The place where sleep is never enough. The place where the sun can never shine bright enough. We're all familiar with that place.
No other choice but to continue to take my vitamins to stay healthy.

I'm still here. I'm still alive.

I just haven't been around to post. I think about what is going on with many of you. I continue to read your blogs, secretly following your lives.
Spring is coming, I think the winter blues are finally leaving me. I have the need to go outside and play again.
Hope everyone is well.

I want it all

I want this kind of love. I don't want to resist.
I'm too picky. One moment I want to be single, the next married with children
Same goes with career I want to be boss, then I want to be a common worker.
Am I gay, straight or Bi? I may just want it all!?!
If I get greedy I my wind up with nothin.

What do I do? 

It doesn't feel right

My lovely friend just became a newly wed. Hurray! Congrats! So happy for you!
She confides in me and tells me stuff that close friends tell each other...we're both nurses...
so we often tell each other WAY too much information...the color of our poop for instance.
Since she just got married I often get an earful about her man.
Apparently he eats more than his share of the food supply. It's a big issue in their life.
She has an issue with this and believes he has an eating disorder. I don't know.
One thing I know for sure, I have my own food issues.


Cycles if you will.
Not only do my moods cycle my attitude about food do too. Oh man.
At times it's sugar. Others times carbohydrates are a sin.Right now the devil is pork and dairy.
It has nothing to do with taste, texture, smell. Nope. I love me some sausage, bring on the ribs,
cheese stakes, chocolate shakes! Make it a double!

It has to do with the SOURCE.
I know it comes from a living animal and I am eating its dead muscle.Then it is going to be sitting in
my gut for about three days!
Then milk. Am I made to drink from the tit of a cow? Would I if it didn't come in this gallon?
No of course not. It has hormones and antibiotics. I have over thought this issue.
For now. I am giving it up not for diet. Not for weight loss. Just because it doesn't feel right.
Maybe I will have it again someday. Not right now.
I judge no one who choses to eat anything else.
This is what I have to do for myself.
It will cycle.

I need some vodka