I'm Still Here!

I'm not hiding.
Just laying low.
My son moved away
FAR, FAR AWAY

I miss him

I MISS him, like crazy. I miss him like the crazy bitch that I am.

since he left

my heart is heavy

I know I pushed him away
I can never get our relationship
where it should have been.
He needed a mother and I gave
him a fucking bitch!
I see the pictures when he was a baby, a toddler. He is so happy.
Then he is not.
You will blame me as most kids blame their mother, only in your case, I cannot deny you.

Take me away

 I am so greatful  for my children. I know it sounds trite. If it wasn't for them, I know my purpose on this earth would be done. In fact, there are days I don't know how I can possibly manage another minute. Of course then I'm reminded how blessed I really I am.

In the past I have prayed for my time to come to an end, as selfish as it sounds. To be real honest it has been on more than one occasion. 

I remember one day when I had my baby of only a few months. I couldn't see the light of day even on the sunniest day. I was in the grips of depression, only then I didn't know what it was. 

 I prayed and prayed for god to take me. I could not bear the loneliness of a strange town, a new baby and a monster of a husband.

One sunny spring day, I bundled my son up in his little carrier and we went to the pier. The sun was bright. I pushed his buggy down the pier and sat facing away from the water. The sun was shining on us for what felt like hours. I think we needed that. It must of warmed our souls.  He was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. That day, I knew. 

The sun no longer shines for me.

To this day remember that sunny day on the pier when darkness falls on my heart. 

Queen of DeNial

There are days that I want to put all this behind me. None of it really happened. How could I have been that depressed?
I am a happy go lucky, silly, woman, that likes to sing, dance and pretend to be a socialite.
There are even times I doubt why I take medication. After all, I mean, I feel fine. I am healthy.
Healthy people don't take medications. Right?
DENIAL
DENIAL
DENIAL
I accept that these are not medications. They are simply vitamins to keep me healthy. Keep me going.
Part of a routine.
Like a person with high blood pressure takes them to control the blood pressure and in the end prevent a stroke.My meds prevent me from going there.That cold, dark place, where no one should ever go. The place where sleep is never enough. The place where the sun can never shine bright enough. We're all familiar with that place.
No other choice but to continue to take my vitamins to stay healthy.

I'm still here. I'm still alive.

I just haven't been around to post. I think about what is going on with many of you. I continue to read your blogs, secretly following your lives.
Spring is coming, I think the winter blues are finally leaving me. I have the need to go outside and play again.
Hope everyone is well.

I want it all

I want this kind of love. I don't want to resist.
I'm too picky. One moment I want to be single, the next married with children
Same goes with career I want to be boss, then I want to be a common worker.
Am I gay, straight or Bi? I may just want it all!?!
If I get greedy I my wind up with nothin.

What do I do?