Thursday, January 21, 2010
So my dude and I are driving back from the eye doctor after his eye check(he had cataract removal surgery last week and everything seems to have gone well)and of course he's driving and showing off he's newly found 20/20 vision.
During the ride home, the morning sun caught and highlighted his beautiful smile lines and the way his long eyelashes come together when he smiles. I pulled down the mirror and remembered us almost a decade ago. Wow, time has changed us. I too have changed. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. On the outside, I look like I've been through hell. I look like a woman twice my age. My dude has some health problems, and between us, i struggle with this.
I see he notices the extra weight on me and he never ever says a negative thing about it (he's gracious enough). However it has an impact on our relationship at every level.
There is a big age difference. I used to pretend not to notice, I was gracious enough. As of late I have been nasty about it. The difference is 25 years. Before you ask, there is no gold to be dug. He is a genuine good person with a good heart. We were best friends before anything else. We were separated by at least 1400 miles and would have long conversations, mainly about me, but still. I feel like I have let him down. I should be this gorgeous woman, a trophy. Not because he demands this or expects this. But isn't this why men go with younger women? I am insecure about my weight for sure, I am more insecure of my wrinkles and feeling so old.
Some things are inevitable, age is one of them. Honestly, I never thought this age thing would happen to me.